Fun With Tanya
by Aleatoire
Summary: Edward is left to fend for himself in the Denali coven’s house… and is lured into doing something he wants no part of… Rated M for good reason.
1. You touch my tralala

**Songs I recommend for this two-chapter little short: Cory Lee – The Naughty Song, Gunther – Ding Dong Song, Cassie – You and Me, Veronicas – Forever, Venga Boys – Boom Boom Boom, I Want You in My Room, Milkshake - Kelis. I'm sure you'll deem them appropriate. Or inappropriate, depending on how you look at it. There are probably a lot more songs to go with the content here, and I'd love to hear your suggestions! By the way, obviously these songs were after the '90s, but I thought they fit the story too well to leave them out. Fic rated M for good reason.**

**Alaska, sometime in the 90's:**

**Edward's POV (written in present tense for fun): **

Oh no. I'm all alone now. Carlisle and Esme have taken Carmen and Eleazar hunting, Kate is shopping with Alice and Rosalie, Irina is…_somewhere_, and Emmett and Jasper are at home playing games. Which leaves me…with Tanya.

_Oh Edward…_ She mentally purrs from her bedroom and I cringe as she sends me a mental image of her attire – or lack thereof. A red corset, red gloves, and a red thong. Lovely.

Did she not understand that I had no desire for her body whatsoever? Never mind that, did she even care that I was still a virgin? Emmett hadn't hesitated to tell her this on one of her previous attempts to seduce me… But that's beside the point. For all she knows, I could be terrible in bed. Hell, I probably would be too.

"Edward, won't you come see me?" _I'm _so_ lonely…_ I sigh at her pathetic attempt to lure me in, but get up off the couch anyway and make my way down the dark hallways of the coven's expansive home. I feel no need to go any faster than human walking pace. Maybe if I give her a firm no, she'll leave me alone…

Suddenly, laughter comes from behind me. It sounds eerily like…

_Sorry, bro._ "Emmett!" I yell in indignation as the larger vampire grabs my hands and grips them tight behind my back. He pushes me through a door on our left, which turns out to be Tanya's ensuite bathroom. The inside is decorated in red and black hues, meant to be dramatic and passionate at the same time. I find it repulsive.

"Jasper?" I question upon seeing my other brother leaning against the black marble countertop. His lanky frame nearly reaches the far wall, and he exudes serenity into the atmosphere around him. The window above the bathtub is open.

_Tanya's waiting…_ He snickers out loud as Emmett hands my arms off to him. Emmett then proceeds to strip me of my collared shirt, slacks, black shoes and socks, then steps back to admire his work.

_Oh no Edward, those boxers simply just won't do… _Emmett fakes a gay man's voice in his head as he looks over my sensible gray underwear. _You'll need something…like this!_ He whips a fluffy red G-string out of his back pocket and I growl at him. If he thinks I would so much as touch that garment…

_Getting feisty, are we dear?_ Tanya sounds utterly enthralled as I emit snarls into the air. _Good, 'cause I like it rough._

"He'll be out in a sec!" Emmett calls back as he strips me down further, taking my pride along with my clothing.

"God Emmett, stop staring at his balls," Jasper says disgustedly as Emmett stands there with my boxers in one hand, the G-string in the other.

"But…I don't wanna put it on him!" He whines at Jasper, who only sends out emissions of happiness. Emmett grins from ear to ear and gladly strings the fluffy lingerie all the way up my legs.

"Perfect," he grins. Jasper soon replaces the happiness with lust, and I can't help but feel turned on as Emmett slides his hands deftly across my chest…

"Jasper!" Before I can get out of his grip, he hands me to Emmett voluntarily and then opens the door connecting Tanya's ensuite to her bedroom. Even in the dim moonlight, I can still see her thin frame draped exquisitely over her black sheets, and the triumphant expression on her pale face…

"Damn you both to hell," I curse as Emmett pushes me in. "If I get out of this alive, I will see to it that you two get ripped into miniscule pieces so no one can put you back together again!"

_Just trying to get you laid, Eddie! You'll thank us one day… Now be a good little boy, get in there and stop pretending she doesn't turn you on… _

I stare at Emmett as he nudges Jasper with his elbow, making him turn up the lust. Too much lust in fact, as its making me see Tanya in an attractive light…

_Ah, its working,_ Jasper grins lazily as him and Emmett lean back against the counter anxiously. None of them moves to close the door.

I shake my head and turn to face the strawberry blonde flaunting herself on the bed. I then remember I too, am flaunting myself involuntarily, and hasten to strategically place my hands before me.

Before I can get a word out of my mouth, firm hands grip my wrists, coming from behind my back, and as I crane my neck around only to see Irina's face, Tanya hastens to explain.

She produces a riding crop from underneath a satin pillow and gets up off the bed deliberately slowly, playing with her hair as she walks towards me. The whip twirls dangerously fast in her right hand.

"Edward Cullen, nearly a hundred years old and still a virgin," she runs her hand along my collarbone as she shakes her head in pity. "Your brother's decided to help me effectively end that sad record though, right boys?" She shoots them glares and I can hear their thoughts hastily agreeing with her. I wish them slow, painful deaths. "Alright Irina, put him on the bed."

As Irina walks me past her, Tanya remarks, "Ah Edward, we match." She slaps my right buttocks harder than necessary, lifting the string part of the G-string off of my skin after doing so. She snaps it back into place before Irina silently shoves me down on the black sheets and purple pillows Tanya believes to be oh-so alluring.

I'm lying face up, and have a perfect view of Jasper and Emmett in the washroom. Emmett grins, waves and begins silently singing, _Oh, you touch my tra-la-la…_ as Jasper forces lust into my body.

As Tanya climbs on top of me, whip gone for now, I can still see Emmett and Jasper out of the corner of my eye. Apparently the lust is too much for Emmett, who suddenly grabs Jasper by the shoulders and kisses him passionately. For some weird reason this turns me on, only adding to the atmosphere Jazz has created. And if Emmett just kissed a man… Imagine how I'd fare.

_We always thought you were gay Ed_, Emmett thinks in his head as he continues to kiss his brother – he knows I'm watching. _Now get your attention back to that girl on top of you! Mmm, my ding ding dong…_ Emmett kicks the door shut with his foot and Tanya grabs my chin and turns my head to face her.

"You know, I always kinda did have you pegged as homosexual," she muses as she stares into my eyes, which I know are coal-black. I'm weak. The small part of my subconscious unaffected by Jasper's lust screams at her – she's insulting me!

I growl out loud but this only seems to bring her face closer to mine. "Yes Edward, I've been so very _naughty_…"

"Then I'll gladly rip you to shreds!" Some of my displeasure at her insult is coming out of me, but Jasper turns up the lust – and greed.

_You _need_ her body Edward, _he begins chanting, but I tune him out.

_Let's try a different approach_, Tanya thinks, unabashed by my remark, and she proceeds to stroke my cheek with one long, pink nail-polished finger. "Edward, you're a gentleman. I have been suffering for far too long… Won't you end my torture? Protect me?" She throws her face into a pout, and before I can even think about what I'm doing, I kiss her.

_Ooooh, he just _can't _resist a damsel in distress, can you Eddie? Save her, you know you want to…_

Save her? Someone needs to save me! My head begins to regain a little more sense, and Jasper can feel it. Sick happiness, lust and intense avarice overtake my brain as Tanya kisses her way down my stomach to my…_parts_, and the little red piece of cloth obstructing them from her view.

Until she shreds the fabric with her teeth. I can literally feel the venom that serves me as blood pumping fast down to my penis, causing my erection to spring up right before Tanya's eyes. This only seems to excite her further.

"Finally decided that maybe I _am_ worth paying attention to, eh?" Her eyes sparkle at the prospect of getting what she wants. And I, of course, comply. I can't have her suffer!

_That's it Ed…_ Emmett's thoughts urge me onwards, and I lick my lips in anticipation.

Tanya grabs hold of my erection with both hands, and sticks the rest in her mouth. It's pure torture, yet it feels so good… Then, two things happen: I ejaculate into her mouth, which she deftly swallows before continuing, and Jasper begins singing an atrocious song in his head. _Tonight's, the night, and it's only just begun, all the boys and the girls wanna fuck tonight, gotta _turn_ the naughty on…_

And as usual, up goes the lust. I was getting a bit hesitant though. What should I do to her in return? I throw my head back into the purple pillows and moan, and my hands grasp the sheets till they nearly rip, but Jasper feels my hesitation still.

_Lost for ideas? _He questions as he boosts the confidence up a notch, causing me to growl my satisfaction. _Here, I'll get Emmett to help._

Lovely. As I lay here, getting a blow job, Emmett would be conjuring up mental images of him and Rosalie in… positions.

He shows me a particularly vulgar one, and for a second I am repulsed beyond belief – that is, until Jasper ushers it away so desire and excitement can take its place.

"If you say so," I mutter before growling, "Tanya, get over here."

She lifts her head up slowly to meet my eyes with hers, then begins to snake her way up my chest again, until her lips are parallel with mine.

I begin to kiss her as Jasper makes my excitement feverish, and I proceed to rip the gloves off her arms without looking. She draws back and growls in want, and I take the opportunity to use my teeth to unlace her corset. It falls away from her breasts and I toss it aside before kissing her again. Her assets press against my own chest, but before I can get my mouth, or even my hands, down to them, Emmett remarks silently, _Eddie, you realize she had your cum in her mouth right? And now, you're kissing that mouth…_

"Emmett!" I can hear Jasper yell as he feels my repulsion. He works to repair the mood, but Tanya's thrown confusion into the mix of emotions. "Tanya, just kiss him again or…do something!" Jasper yells from the washroom and I turn around to see that the door is open once again. Apparently I didn't notice before.

Tanya quickly does what Jasper asked, but as she presses her mouth to mine she grabs my hand and places it on her chest. Jasper sighs his relief as lust, greed and excitement take over the room once more. That's enough for me, and I bring my mouth down to replace my hand. Tanya grabs a chunk of my hair in her hand and pulls as she arches her back towards me. She begins more or less growling my name as she flips us over so I'm lying on top of her. She hastily reaches down to her last piece of clothing and snaps the string in half while thinking, _Edward… I want you in me _now!

Jasper can feel the desire and anticipation heighten on its own as I toy with her nipple in my mouth, teasing her. "Edward…" she begs, and I chuckle as I lift my head. I bring my mouth to hers again and she grabs my face to hold me there. She arches herself up off the pillows and I use this to slide myself into her, feeling pure pleasure as she hooks her leg around mine and growls against my neck. She bites the skin there as I push myself farther in, and I relish in the near-pain.

"Jasper Hale, what on Earth are you doing?" I hear a voice shriek suddenly, and I lift my head in surprise. Tanya quickly forces my mouth down on hers again, but the mood is ruined as Jasper involuntarily channels Alice's anger, confusion and disgust into the room.

I hastily pull out of Tanya, and she hisses at me as I push away from her. I get up off the bed quickly and wrench a curtain down from the window, which I use as a temporary robe.

Alice sees me do this, and as I enter the washroom she strides towards me and promptly pokes me in the chest, right under where I am clasping the 'robe' I've fashioned together. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, just what do you think you're doing?"

"Well Alice, that's a good question, how's about we ask the main conspirators that?" My annoyance and disgust are most definitely present now. "Tanya?" Menace fills my voice as I call my would-be lover over.

I can hear the rustle of satin and soon she's standing beside me, adorned in a proper red robe, her hand on my ass. "Yes darling?"

"Don't. Touch. Me." I swat her hand away just as she catches Alice glaring at her.

"What?" She questions stupidly. "Obviously I lost the bet, so why are you staring at me?" She turns her eyes on Emmett and Jasper, who avoid her gaze.

"_What_ bet?" Jasper, Emmett?" I growl at them both and they shrug nervously. Emmett stares at his feet.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, you will either tell us now or I promise I will divorce you," Alice glares up at Jazz malevolently, who bashfully relents. The man has taken on hordes of newborns without batting an eyelash, yet he cringes from the wrath of his wife in a second.

"Alright, alright, we bet we could make Edward have sex with Tanya, and she didn't believe us." He drops his head low over his chest, realizing what he'd agreed to.

"Jasper, Emmett, did it ever occur to you that maybe she thought you _could_ do it, and just wanted it to happen?" I ask incredulously. "She knows how you two can't resist a bet."

"Yeah, but you gotta admit, it felt _good_, didn't it Eddie?" I cringe at the nickname and the fact that yes, it _had_ felt good… But I'd been intoxicated with fake, evoked emotion!

"Come on Edward, let's go, and leave the _freak show_ here with the sex queen," Alice grabs my wrist and tugs me out the bathroom door.

"Wait, Alice! I need my clothes! Where are they, by the way?" I shoot daggers at Emmett, who shrugs and points to the counter space behind Jasper.

"Thank _you_," I run over, grab them and run out again, slamming the door so violently behind me that it shakes the entire wall. I'm too pissed to care. I hastily step into my boxers and pants, not bothering with the shirt, socks, or shoes. Tanya could keep them as souvenirs. I was inside that vile temptress… Me, Edward Cullen, the gentleman! For the love of all things holy; I would never live this down.

Sure enough, Emmett keeps showing me his mental images of the night, including spectacular views of my white ass, which I wince at every time he conjures it up – often. Eventually his thoughts are out of my range, and I sigh happily as Alice and I make our way back home through the snow and cold.

***

"Carlisle!" Alice yells as we enter our large Alaskan home through the front door. I run upstairs to put on a shirt before I have to talk to our father. When I return, Alice is sitting on an armchair opposite the sofa where Carlisle and Esme are.

"Well Edward, Alice tells me you've been seduced," Carlisle gazes at me as I sit down on Alice's armrest with concerned eyes. Esme looks shocked. "Is this true?"

"Yes Carlisle," I hang my head, ashamed of what I've been made to do. "The experience was completely involuntary, and is not one I wish to relive again."

"Basically Tanya made a bet with Jasper and Emmett, and they were stupid enough to take the bait," Alice explains, going on to further clarify that it was entirely not my fault. Then she begins telling our parents why she'd taken the shopping trip. I know Jasper and Emmett had urged their partners to go, and I think I know why now… "Jasper told me I should go have fun with the girls and not worry about anything back home," she says, her eyes murderous. "At the time I wasn't worried, so I hopped on the plane and didn't think twice about it. Then I had the vision… But we were already at the mall, and you know how I can't resist shopping… I didn't tell anyone about it and was not dwelling on it, because I thought Edward would be able to get out of it himself… Then the vision became incessant, and longer and more detailed each time… So I got on the first plane back home to try and stop it."

"You were a little late, Alice," I mention through my teeth. Carlisle starts at this, and I grudgingly explain. "I slept with her Carlisle. Against my will, I had sex with Tanya. Jasper basically made it all happen, but Tanya's emotions certainly helped." I flinch, recalling her triumphant eyes… "And then there was Emmett, kissing Jasper… that helped add to the mood too."

"What?" Alice jumps out of her seat. "I didn't see _that_… Oh, my husband is in so much trouble…" She grinds her fist into her hand to emphasize her point.

"You bet he is, Alice," Carlisle says this slowly, but his voice still holds anger. "As is Emmett, and we shall have to speak to Tanya. Edward has a right to choose who he mates with, and this is definitely a breach of those rights. Edward, we don't hold you responsible at all, don't worry. Jasper's power is most definitely strong, and you were especially prone, since he wasn't the only one creating the atmosphere, by the sounds of it."

"Thanks Carlisle," I breath a sigh of relief, then remember something. "One thing though, can we _please_ never mention this again? It's bad enough right now as it is."

"If Emmett and Jasper behave themselves, I'm sure it will never be brought up again." Esme reassures me, leaning forward to pat my leg.

"Thanks Mom," I begin saying, but I can hear Emmett's thoughts again.

_Didya run home to tell on us, Eddie? Oh boo hoo, you got laid, what a crisis. We did you a favor brother! _

I sigh loudly, and announce, "They're home." Only to add to this night of Hell.

**LMFAO I loved writing this. My first ever lemon, they make me laugh too much so normally I never attempt them. But it was so fun! Muahahahaha Tanya – I never really liked her. Did you enjoy this though? It'll be a two-parter, the next part will be Bella finding out… Oooooo XD**

**Love, and Happy Holidays! **

**Reese :)**


	2. This is gonna be rough

2015:

"Hey Bella," Emmett speaks at normal volume to call my attention. We're hunting together, just us two, and as I finish my kill and run over to him, I can see him sitting atop a massive boulder, a grizzly dead down at the base. "Come sit," he pats a part of the rock with one large hand and I jump up easily to join him.

I look at him in wait of having him speak, but he just sighs and leans back onto his palms as he stares out at the Canadian landscape.

"Emmett, is this why you dragged me all the way up here? To talk?" I raise an eyebrow, scoffing the idea of a serious Emmett, and he grins lazily.

"No, it most certainly was not," he replies calmly, but I know it's just to confuse Alice – he winks. Nothing would have her tracking down Emmett and I right now though; I know for a fact she's on a shopping spree with poor Jasper. "Bella," he sighs eventually and smiles at me, his golden eyes mischievous. "Was Edward…you know…your 'first?'"

"Don't make me blush Em," I shove his arm teasingly, for I know that my cheeks can no longer betray my emotions. My awkward laugh does though. "Why did you want to know?"

"He was, wasn't he?" He asks quietly, and for once in his life he sounds…serious.

"Yes," I admit, pretending to be preoccupied with my fingernail, – which is broken – then ask, "Was Rose yours?"

"Um…" he closes his eyes and sticks out his tongue in deep thought. "Yes. I think I was too immature as a human to get any girls." His booming laugh echoes throughout the wilderness, causing birds to screech as they take flight from the trees in bunches, the setting sun turning their small little bodies into mere silhouettes as they pass in front of the light.

"So if both our soulmates were our first, what are you saying?" I proceed slowly, not really sure where he'll take this. I tack on as an afterthought, my voice low and sad, "You weren't Rose's though." We're silent for a moment; we both know Rose's unfortunate past.

"I was Edward's though, wasn't I?" I grip Emmett's strong bicep, suddenly nervous. What if I wasn't? "I mean, he's always told me I was the only one he's ever loved…"

"Which _is_ true…" Emmett begins, and I stare at him suspiciously, "But something's been bugging me Bells."

"Emmett…" I narrow my eyes in suspicion, "What are you saying?" I cross my arms and glare up at him, wanting him to just come out and say it.

"Little sis, you have to understand that she tricked us into helping her and that no one knew you'd be coming into the picture and that it wasn't his fault at all!" He says this extraordinarily fast, even for a vampire.

"Emmett, who's _she_?" I look for confirmation, but I already have an inkling of an idea…

"I…uh…Bella, please don't get mad!" He actually looks frightened, and I suppress the urge to giggle. Instead I snarl and glare. "Okay, okay, Tanya made us do it to him! We thought we would get something out of it though…"

I'm already on my feet. "Thanks Em, for telling me what I needed to know. _And_ for bringing us so close to a certain person's _permanent_ residence." I smile sweetly down at him and he stares at me, dumbfounded. I'll confront Edward later. "Now, you run along and tell my _husband_ there'll be hell to pay when I return. Same goes for Jasper too – yes, I know he was involved! _And_ you will be in trouble as well, big brother."

I start running north, knowing he can easily follow me, but when I turn back at one point I can see him running in the other direction. Apparently he's decided that Edward needs an advanced warning. That or he just wanted to get away from me. I'm thoroughly pissed, that's for sure. Tanya Denali is going to get it, from Mrs. Bella Cullen herself. She'd stolen my perfect, old-fashioned, gentlemanly Edward's virtue, and now she's going to pay.

The entire run to Tanya's home I'm fuming mad and by the time I get there, my anger has in no way ceased – it's grown if anything. The large, black mansion sprawls out in front of me, a stark contrast to the blindingly white snow.

I don't bother with ringing the ornate doorbell once I reach the door, and instead I opt for knocking the door down. It's announced my entrance well; the whole house has ended up shaking. "Tanya!" I cry, not caring that the volume of my voice has shattered the crystal chandelier in the entrance hall. Shards rain down on me, feeling as insignificant as snowflakes. "I'd like to speak with you," I continue in a low, menacing tone.

"She's busy," I hear as a response, to which I hiss.

"I. Don't. Care. Either she comes to speak to me _now_, or I will find her myself if I have to tear apart the entire house," I continue in my heated intonation.

"Such anger, Isabella," this time I can see who's speaking, and I raise an eyebrow. Irina. She runs her hand along the railing of the landing above me, glancing up at the broken chandelier momentarily. "It hardly suits such a beautiful voice."

"Go away Irina," I put my hands on my hips and glare up at her. "My quarrel is with your sister."

"I wouldn't go looking for her if I were you."

"And who's to stop me? You? Surely not…" I chuckle as I start running. I reach Tanya's third floor bedroom in seconds, Irina close behind. She's about to restrain me, but one demand from inside the room stops her. As I stand there, I catch the distinct, delicious scent of human, and human blood.

"Let her in," a sing-song, airily pretentious voice that sounds a bit out of breath declares, and I reach for the silver door handle before the last syllable has dissipated.

I find Tanya lying face up on her bed, a young man straddling her hips. They're both completely naked, and her nails are clawing at his back so feverishly they're leaving long scratches. Some are bleeding, and the smell calls to me…but I know better. Apparently Tanya does too, even in the heat of passion, and now she pushes the man off and out of her, suddenly appearing detached from their sexual encounter. "Sorry, just finishing up," she looks straight at me and speaks too low for the man to hear. She kisses him once before leaving him on the bed, his youthful face red and his heart beating fast. He sighs as he leans back against the pillows, and Tanya remarks as she pulls on a crimson satin bathrobe, "He'll be asleep soon."

"I can see that," I mutter, and sure enough within seconds, the sounds of the man's light snores fill the air.

I can no longer feel the presence of Irina around me, but by the sound of footsteps below me I know she's gone downstairs. "Now, you wanted to speak with me?" Tanya enquires jovially, swinging her strawberry hair over her shoulder as she exits her room. Apparently she's decided to ignore my rage. I could play that game too.

"Yes, and unfortunately the cause for my visit is not the most pleasant," I smile as we walk down the dark wood-paneled hall to Tanya's personal sitting room. I was meaning to keep myself calm and composed, but the moment I see the grand piano in the corner, my control perishes in a burning flame of rage. "You see," I begin my tirade, my voice rising as I go, "It seems that someone very close to me was once robbed in this very house. Against his will, he was tricked into doing something he never wanted any part of! And not only did you trick him, but you tricked his own _brothers_ into helping you pull it off! That is justifiable _rape_, Tanya!" My whole body is shaking, and I clench the back of an antique purple wing-backed chair so hard the upholstery splits.

She merely gasps at what I'm doing to her furniture and I yell even louder. "I'll do this to you, if you prefer." I grab the chair on both sides and with a tumultuous crack it tears neatly in half with hardly any effort on my part. "I think I might, actually," I remark softly, picking up half of the chair and hurling it at her. She steps to the side to dodge it, and I take this as my chance to run at her.

She meets me head-on and the collision results in yet another resounding boom and an emission of growls from both of us. "You little succubus whore," I snarl as she claws at my arms, just before I race out of her grasp. "How could you do that to such an innocent person?"

"He _enjoyed_ it," she croons from across the room, and I take another run at her. "Silly, juvenile vampire," she remarks as I race right past her and out the large window that had been, until now, directly behind her.

"Well come down here and teach me a lesson then, you dirty slut," I'm determined to call her as many words for 'whore' as I can. She's unfazed by it, but it makes me feel better. Only marginally better, however. The only thing that would make me feel absolutely delightful at this point would be destroying her putrid existence.

"Isabella, honestly, this is silly," she remarks from the broken third floor window above. She's positively beaming at the sight of me covered from head to toe in soggy snow. "You weren't even alive at the time; all I was doing was trying to give him a good time."

Actually, I _had_ been alive, but I'd leave that alone. "You fucking jackass, you don't get it, do you? If he had consented to it, I would have had no problem with you. Well, maybe a little envy, but that's about it. But this is all your fault; he wanted nothing from you, and never will." Tears that will never spill sting at my eyes as I try to reason with the nonsensical, "Like I said earlier, this is called rape, and if ever there were a court to try you, you would most certainly be sent to jail. But there is no court in the world who would believe the story, so here I am, the judge and the jury. Now come down here so I can give you what you deserve!" I crouch in an attack position in anticipation of her launch.

She jumps down, her robe billowing up around her waist as she falls, baring anything below. She smoothes it back down as she speaks. "Look, Bella, please, try to see this my way. I'm empty: no mate, no love except for my sisters. I've lost my mother, and I'm one of the damned creatures closest to the devil himself, if Hell even exists," her eyes turn wistful and far away as she searches for the correct words. I cross my bare arms and wait, my thoughts jumbled, yet still reproachful. "Edward was supposed to be mine. Picture this, please: he was Carlisle's son, single, and the only of his siblings to be without a mate. Then there was me, the leader of this Denali coven, and without a mate as well. In my mind, it was a perfect match, but Edward wasn't so easily convinced. I hoped that I would, in my way, the only way I know how, to persuade him that we were right together, that we _belonged_ with each other. Unfortunately it didn't work out as planned, and so now he has you. But I'm still alone; I fuck human men for a moment's enjoyment, and then they're gone. I _wish_ Edward was mine, but you've captured him. And from your defense of him tonight, you've earned him. Clearly you are the better woman. Surely Edward has made sure you've kept enough of your humanity for you to take pity on me."

I didn't know Tanya was capable of such remorse, or even of that long of a speech. She definitely surprised me. I still want to hurt her though. Maybe I would rip off one of her arms; that would placate me fully. "Sorry darling," I grin as I reach for her, but a familiar voice causes me to freeze in my tracks, as if the cold was actually getting to me.

"Bella, no! Don't do anything rash; we'll be there in a sec!" I roll my eyes. Only Alice would make a detour on her way home from a shopping trip to stop her sister from destroying said-sister's husband's former seductress. But true to her word, Alice materialized from the woods seconds later, Jasper right behind her, and she didn't hesitate to run right up to me.

She's about to say something, I know, but I just turn my back on the be-robed fool and remark, "That's alright Alice, Jasper, I was just leaving anyways. I'm putting the family first, and I don't think Carlisle would take it all too well if I murdered the leader of our Alaskan counterparts." Now that I think of it, he really wouldn't like that at all. "Goodbye Tanya," I mutter as we run south, never looking back.

***

"Evening Edward," I greet my husband warmly as I walk into the living room. I sit down on the piano bench beside him and wrap my arms around his waist as he plays, the song changing effortlessly from one of his new compositions into my lullaby. Sitting there beside him, listening to a song he'd written for me, it's so hard to say what I'm going to say next, but I have to. A little teasing will at least help him proclaim his undying devotion to me and me only. Having him swear he believes Tanya a despicable creature will be enough, but I can't make him declare that without a little prodding of his dignity first. "So I, uh, I hear you used to have a hankering for blondes." To my delight, his fingers immediately slide off the keys and onto the bench. I pry them off before they destroy the fine wood and play with them in my hands, staring at the long, white slenderness of them.

"Who told you?" He whispers in a purely defeated voice. Oh good, Emmett has been guarding his thoughts well…

"Oh, just a little birdie up in Canada," I reply offhandedly, and feel his hands tighten in my own. "Oh Edward you're in trouble-,"

"Emmett," he cuts me off to mutter almost incoherently, then raises his voice and his head to call, "Em--_mett_!"

"You called, brother dearest?" A haunting laugh surrounds us as Emmett whips down the stairs and takes a seat on the dais on which the piano resides. He swings his arms back to support his weight and grins lazily up at us. "Just thought it was time to let the little lady know what you'd been doing before you hooked up with her."

"Emmett!" I shoot him a significant glance, but he just shrugs. 'You're ruining my plans' I mouth, but he just laughs. "He'll kill you, you know," I remark casually, but as I look up at Edward's flawless visage, I realize I shouldn't be kidding. "Edward…"

"This was not to be mentioned," he whispers, "if we ever agreed on something, we agreed on this. Carlisle told you! But did you listen? No; you never listen. This time you'll pay."

"Not if I have something to say about it," Jasper marches into the room, looking on the edge of mirth. With him he's brought that amusement into the room, and Emmett and I break out in sudden laughter. Spurred on by this, Jasper's mood turns up by incredible notches, and soon I'm on the floor clutching my sides as if I need the air I'm being deprived of through extreme giggling. Emmett soon succumbs to the same point as I, and his head hits the floor with a large boom. Jasper falls onto a nearby couch and rocks back and forth with the force of his laughter.

Edward has started chuckling, but he's attempting to stay angry as well. The effect is rather hilarious, and in moments that I see him screwing up his face in a sort of half-grin, half-grimace, I howl louder.

"Bella, isn't Edward the biggest prude you've ever met?" Emmett manages to exclaim in between outbursts that are nearing shrieks.

"Hell yes!" Jasper cries from the couch, his guffaws louder than all of us, as he's affected the most.

"Edward, isn't Jazz funny?" I remark, feeling as if I'm being tickled.

Just as Edward finally loses control of his emotions and issues the loudest laugh yet, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Alice enter the room. "Jasper! Control yourself, for the sake of my sanity, please!" Carlisle yells as the mood is likely beginning to work its way into him as well. It's already gotten Esme and Alice, who've started giggling.

"Oh, don't you just love how normal we all are?" Alice says as Jasper slowly works to turn the hilarity down considerably.

"Oh yeah," Rosalie rolls her eyes and I get up off the floor to sit beside Edward on the piano bench again, "that's us Cullens, perfectly normal!" Usually she says this with rather a snarky disposition about her, but today it's merely in good fun.

"'Course we are babe," Emmett grins as he runs to sling his arm around his wife's shoulders, "We've got the twenty year old parents, this kid that can make us feel what he feels like making us feel, a little pixie who can see our futures and shops a lot, the hottest girl on the planet, the sexiest man alive, a vampire who used to faint at the smell of blood, and a ginger prude who's only lately taking interest in sexual endeavors – not that he didn't want it before -,"

"Okay Emmett, I think we get the picture, thanks," Carlisle cuts in, chuckling. "Now, what-,"

"Oh!' Alice exclaims suddenly, "I think Bella and Edward would like to be left alone right now." She grins wickedly and I cross my arms across my chest as Edward shoots me excited sideways glances.

"Alice he wasn't supposed to know yet," I pout, "It was gonna be a surprise…" I grab his arm anyways and tug him up the stairs roughly, Alice's giggles and Jasper's awkward throat clearing following us upstairs.

"Edward," I growl as we walk through the bedroom door.

"Yes Bella, love?" He looks at me expectantly and I damn Alice for giving it away.

"Don't you _ever_ touch Tanya again," I say as I push him up against our bedroom wall, not caring about the noise we're making. There'll be a lot more where that came from. "Or else I," I hook my legs around his hips and he abruptly spins so I'm now sandwiched between the wall and him, "will kill you."

"Not that I ever would touch her again, but if I did, at least I'd die happy," he mumbles as he trails kisses up my neck, "if this is how you intend to punish me now, I can only imagine how you'd choose to kill me."

My only response is to grab him by the hair and force his lips onto mine. "I don't know why you think this isn't a fitting punishment," I whisper into his ear as he slides my jeans down my legs while carrying me over to our bed, "because this is gonna be rough."

**Ahaha. End of Fun with Tanya. Did you like? Was everyone justified in their…hehe…positions? I thought it was fun, if my opinion counts for anything. **

**Review please!**

**Reese **


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